A seat on a train, where it started — our coordinates.
We knew each other from school. The kind of knowing where you recognize a face but never find a reason to talk.
Years later, a coincidence. She was in my city for a hackathon. I was heading home for the festivals. Same train. Same day.
Her ticket wasn't confirmed. I gave her my seat — H1, Cabin F, Seat 16 — and found somewhere else for the night.
Morning came. I went back. She was still there. The journey was long, thirty hours of India passing by the window.
By afternoon, the cabin emptied. Just the two of us. We talked through the evening. Watched the night arrive. Somewhere before dawn, we kissed.
She's been mine ever since. [not anymore]
Now, when we can't say it out loud, we say H1F16. It means what it means. [not anymore]
H1F16 is no longer there. While the relationship had its own set of flaws, we had our own. Probably it was the most beautiful relation in the past few years I had. I wanted a very long life with this to be there, but probably, when the base itself is questioned every time, you don't. Whether do you love someone? Whether do you respect someone? Every time, yes, there have been faults that I did. Obviously there are, but at the same time I don't want to answer questions around whether I love or not. I could have fixed my actions; I could have fixed a lot of these, but what I could never fix is this constant question around whether I love and respect someone or not.
Particularly, the thing that we broke up on was like magnitudes and mega tons smaller compared to what all we had. It was over a small misunderstanding around a call, a work call, that too funnily, and it was a very small misunderstanding. Anyone could have asked one question and just clarified, "Okay, this is not what you meant," and probably we would have continued happily, but probably the other person chose to just put it as true without asking and even went ahead with breaking up, moved out, and all of it. When someone is ready to do all of that without even asking a question, it really makes me wonder: was there so much disbelief in me that they did not even trust me to ask that question once?
She replied:
in the "Leave a note" below
It is always like "oh she does this always"; Its never like "what does she have to go through to do this always"
Not complaining! Not asking! Not clarifying;
The self-respect inside her is probably bigger than the togetherness.
My Reply
incase she comes back again
I did care — that's why I never blamed you fully. I could have done some things better, but I don't know what exactly, because for you it was a belief you held to your core. Maybe the reasons go back to what you saw growing up, maybe to something I did. But if I want to fix this and the response is "okay, you do — I'll see once you do," it won't work. It's not an action→response pair. It's something two people do together. One puts in the work. The other allows space to see all of it and actively changes that belief: yes, he does respect me.